Losing My Religion
by darkin520
Summary: After Robert's disappearance and Carol's death, Nathan questions his faith. Starts pre-seaQuest and ends after the first tour. One-shot. *COMPLETE*


**A/N: This story was inspired by ReadingBlueWolf. **

**Disclaimer: SeaQuest DSV and its characters are not my creation. They are the creation of Rockne S. O'Bannon as a 1990's television series. This work of fanfiction is for entertainment purposes only and is not for financial gain. I am just borrowing the characters for a bit and promise to return them unharmed and in their original condition, maybe just a bit happier.**

**Losing My Religion**

Nathan sat in the back pew of the nearly abandoned church, unsure of how to proceed next. Six years before, his life had been changed dramatically when he and Carol received news that their only son, Robert, was missing in action. Although most believed him dead, Nathan refused to believe it. Then just one week ago, his life was torn apart once again with Carol's death.

He still couldn't quite believe that it actually happened. He'd hoped that at any moment he'd wake up from this nightmare. He stared at the large wooden cross above the altar, wondering what he'd done to deserve to have his world torn asunder.

"Nathan?"

The gentle hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he had to look at the woman's face twice since she resembled her sister so much; it was his sister-in-law, Cathy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. It's just they wanted to know if you wanted to take any of the flowers home with you."

Nathan shook his head. "I've got no use for flowers."

"I see; well, the pastor said they can be donated to the church if you'd like."

He continued to stare towards the altar. "That's fine."

While he'd hoped she'd leave him be, he could see her giving him that sympathetic look out of the corner of his eye. Realizing she wasn't going to go away, he turned to her. "Something else you wanted?"

She sat down next to him. "Jim and I had a talk, and we decided you probably shouldn't be alone, at least for the first few weeks. Why don't you come stay with us? We've got plenty of room. I think being around family might do you good."

"We've never been very close."

Cathy sighed. "But we're still family, and we're all you've got left, so-"

"Thanks for the reminder," he said dryly.

"Nathan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I meant, Carol wouldn't want us to leave you alone."

"How the hell would you know what she wanted? You hadn't spoken to her in months."

"Nathan, we're in church. Don't cuss," she said quietly. "And now really isn't the time to drudge up the past. We all made some mistakes, but I'm trying to change that now. I'm trying to do the right thing here."

He raised an eyebrow. "Because you want to or because you think you have to?"

She sighed. "Because I want to. I don't like the thought of you going to that island all alone."

"I'm going to have to get used to being alone. I might as well not delay the inevitable."

"Very well, but if you change your mind…"

"I won't," Nathan replied, crossing his arms over his chest. He hadn't intended to sound quite so cold, but he was angry. No, he wasn't angry at his in-laws. The reason they hadn't spoken wasn't because of an argument. It was simply because they'd been busy-all of them. No one ever anticipated anything like this, but then people never do.

He heard Cathy stand again. "I see. Well, there's a luncheon at the church hall going on now. Are you coming?"

He gave a shrug.

"You probably should. I haven't seen you eat much over the past few days." She gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Carol wouldn't want-"

Nathan pulled away from her and stood. "Don't!" He paused and took a deep breath, lowering his voice. "Don't you dare say it, please. I don't need to hear what she would or wouldn't want." He shook his head.

"I'm just trying to help," Cathy offered weakly.

"I know," he replied. "God, I know, but… I just…I need to deal with this in my own way."

"By pushing everyone away?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you. Really, I'm not. I just…need time."

"Time heals everything," she said quietly.

Nathan cringed inwardly. He had heard so many cliché statements over the past several days. That was just another one to add to the pile. _God doesn't give you anything you can't handle._ _She's in a better place now. You'll see her again one day. _He hated statements like this; he knew they were supposed to be comforting, but at this point, he found them anything but. They only made the pain worse. He simply nodded.

"Maybe I could call you in a few days, see how you're doing?" she asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

"Cathy, I'm a grown man. You don't need-"

"Please, let me. I think… I at least owe her that much. If I let anything happen to you," she said as her voice began to tremble, "I don't think I could live with myself."

Nathan sighed and held out his arms. "If it'll make you feel better, fine. You can call."

She cried softly into his shoulder. "I just…I should've been there. I'm her big sister. I…I was supposed to protect her."

"There was nothing that you could have done if you had been there. She…she went so fast." Nathan felt tears sting his eyes. "I'm sure…I'm sure she doesn't hold it against you."

Cathy pulled away a few moments later, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "No, Carol never did. She…she was a good person. That's why God took her, you know. He always takes the good ones early."

Nathan nodded. _Another one to add to the list._

"Um, well, I really should go. Jim's probably wondering where I am." She hesitated, as if she wasn't sure she should leave Nathan yet. "Take care of yourself, Nathan."

"You too, Cathy. And give Jim my love."

"I will." She turned to leave, but she paused at the door, turning back to him then. "I'll call you next week sometime, okay?"

"Okay," Nathan said with a nod as he watched her disappear through the door.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Once he'd seen the last person leave the church, Nathan walked towards the altar. What was he supposed to do now? He had said he wanted to be alone, but did he really? He shook his head. No, of course he didn't. He wanted to go back home and see his wife's smiling face again. He wanted to hug his son. But he could never have this because the two people who meant more to him than life itself were gone, torn from his loving arms by… He looked glanced towards the cross, the two large stained-glass windows on either side illuminating the altar.

"I only have one question," Nathan said as he walked up onto the altar. "Why?" He paced back and forth. "I…I tried so hard to be a good person. What did I ever do to You to deserve this? Why am I not allowed to have happiness? You…You took my son away, but that wasn't enough for You? You had to take her away from me too?" He paused for a moment and looked around as his voice echoed. He hadn't meant to shout, but his anger couldn't be masked. "I wish…I wish You could tell me why!"

He fell to his knees. "I never asked You for much. All I wanted was to grow old surrounded by my family, but I can't have that now. I'm alone. Alone! How is that going to help me? They say…they say You won't give us anything we can't handle, that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. But how is this supposed to make me stronger when I feel like I'm dying inside? What lesson am I supposed to learn from all of this? Why, Lord, why?"

At a loss of what to do next, Nathan buried his head in his hands. "In my darkest hour, You've abandoned me. At the time I need You the most, You've abandoned me."

"My son, I know this is a difficult time for you, but the Lord never abandons His children."

Nathan looked up in surprise to see the pastor. "Reverend, I-"

The pastor waved a hand. "It's all right. I don't blame you for shouting, for being angry. That's a natural part of the grieving process. And it's natural to blame the Father as well."

Nathan pushed himself up off the floor. "If I haven't been abandoned, why do I feel so alone?"

"Remember the 'Footprints' poem. During our most difficult times, the Lord is right at our side, carrying us through it."

Nathan looked down, not offering a reply.

He heard the pastor sigh. "I realize that no matter what I say, you won't feel any comfort right now. But I assure you, the Lord has a plan for you. And one day, you'll be happy again." He placed a hand on Nathan's shoulder. "Take care, my son." He nodded towards the row of candles on the wall. "By the way, the top row has been lit for you and your family."

"Thank you, Reverend," Nathan replied, feeling more doubt than anything. He watched the pastor walk towards the sacristy as he turned back to face the large cross. "If what the pastor said is true, give me a sign. Give me a sign You're still with me, that You haven't abandoned me."

He waited for several minutes, but nothing happened.

"That's what I thought." He stepped off the altar and paused in front of the candles. He then blew one of them out. He had no need for prayers anymore; God had surely abandoned him.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

And for the next several months, Nathan's mind couldn't be changed. He had no reason to be happy, and nothing left to live for, it seemed. That was until Bill Noyce showed up on his island. Although Nathan tried to fight it, a tiny voice inside his head screamed, _"This is your sign."_

He shook his head and willed it away, but it seemed Bill wasn't going to back down, insisting he had to at least visit the _seaQuest_. Nathan agreed simply to get him off his back, but no way in hell was he staying. That was a promise.

Yet the minutes turned into hours, and the hours turned into days. Was it possible? He still wasn't convinced, but he certainly felt happier. That was something he hadn't felt in ages.

_-sQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQsQ-_

Eighteen months later, and the first tour had finally ended. After the initial excitement had worn off over the tour ending and nearly escaping death, Nathan was pleased to have a few moments to himself. The first thing he did once at UEO Headquarters was find the chapel. He paused at the door, almost afraid to walk inside. It had been so long.

He lit a candle and sat down, pleased to find no one else there. He then knelt down and prayed quietly for a long time. Then he finally looked up towards the small cross. "I know I doubted You for so long; I was sure my life was ruined. But I see now it was just a test. And I'm so very grateful for everything You've given me. I can see now I'm not alone, and I never was. And I could never be happier with the new family I've found." He paused. "I just needed You to know that." He then stood and walked out of the chapel, knowing he'd never be alone again.


End file.
